Pregnancy after a Loss

        Pregnancy after a loss is something I have avoided talking about publicly till now.
Anxiety, the constant feeling that my worst nightmare ( a third miscarriage in a row) could just be moments away. Google has become my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time. Everyone knows that you are not supposed to "google" every bad thought you have in search for answers, but the desire to read statistics out weighed any will power I have  left. I never did like reading statistics until I had a miscarriage. Now I read statistics as if they some divine intervention that actually could change my future.

   Some statistic I had once read stated that only two  percent of people miscarry twice in a row. I prayed, lets be serious I begged God, to not let my family become part of that two percent. But no statistic could save me from the loss we were going to endure. With my current pregnancy, yes I am currently pregnant, I pray and beg God that we will not be part of the one percent that miscarries three times in a row.

   Announcing I am pregnant, on this blog feels very strange. I am currently 24 weeks, but everyday feels like a miracle and a gift that I have had the opportunity to share in the life of another child. I have cautiously skipped around the topic of my pregnancy for fear of losing this little angel. A large part of me wishes I was braver, like the moms who are able to announce their pregnancy the moment they find out, yet another part of me, a much deeper part of me, has only been able to subtly mention to family and close friends our joy with a cautious tone. I have days where I fear if I don't make a more formal announcement it comes off that my joy of this new life is stunted, but I have other days where even verbally saying I am pregnant brings an undesirable fear that if I say it out loud it could harm this sweet baby.

  But I am 24 weeks and my joy is over flowing. I want to scream on the top of a mountain and announce my joy the way I had wanted to with all my pregnancies, but this time I am fearful of the mountain itself. I am sacred to work out to much, and at the same time I am sacred to not work out enough. I am even fearful of lifting my own son, who is four now, for fear that his little thirty pound body could possibly hurt the life of his future sibling.

  My joy and fear are so very real. Everything happened very quickly in the terms of getting pregnant. I had an emergency D & E in January after our loss in November and a large part of me was scared then to get pregnant again but a larger part of me just wanted more than anything to be open to God's will for more life in our family.  Well go figure, by February, I had a positive pregnancy test.  To say joy and fear are somehow able to become one sounds absurd, but the marriage of those two feelings is and was very real.

 I went from being mentally numb to being borderline in denial of reality. Life doesn't stop because your are mourning, and at time it feels like it can move so slowly and then before I knew it I am looking back and wondering where did 24 weeks go. I am ever thankful for these 24 weeks but I cannot deny the cross of anxiety I bear daily.

   Praying, I will be praying for all the mamas of the world and their families as they experience the joys and heart aches of life. All life is so special no matter how short that life is. Please keep my family in your prayers.